Slander, Inc.

Don't strain yourself.

Don’t Touch Me, Crazy!

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Cindy writes:

Far be it from me to undermine women in the public eye, but daaaayum these ladies just give us all a bad name! The following females are the country’s biggest arguments for “barefoot and pregnant”.

10. Marlene Aguilar- Pollard

Mother to Road Rage Rampager Jason Ivler and another unfortunate soul who she calls “Saddam” or “Damien”, Marlene Aguilar is certifiably mental. She has been known to describe her former life in northern Luzon as particularly enjoyable because “we slaughtered hogs on special occasions”.

Marlene: Wanna show me your baton, big boy?

9. Miriam Defensor-Santiago

The Sandiganbayan’s resident psycho, Miriam has caused a bit of a stir by pontificating to her colleagues at a Senate hearing recently. I must admit however that her life is more fun than she lets on — imagine the rush you get when you have Europe’s “The Final Countdown” playing on loop in your head?

I guess there is no one to blame, we're leaving ground, will things ever be the same again? It's the Final Countdooooown!

8. Krista Ranillo

This chickee isn’t crazy, just plain stupid. Not only did she piss off Jinkee and first wives around the country, but she put it all on the line for a guy with a tattoo of a boxing glove on his chest that strongly resembles a cockroach.

Screw it. My money's on Aling Dionisia.

7. Gretchen Barretto

This girl is by far one of the most beautiful women in the Philippines — that alone should be reason to chain her to the bed and force her to procreate for the betterment of the race BUT she has the express privilege of being a Class A bitch too.

Gretch: Kiss me, you fool.

6. Annabelle Rama

‘la ako masabi, dong, na hindi mo na alam, dong.

Kanyang-kanyang raket lang yan!

5. Agnes Devanadera

Aside from having an unfortunate resemblence to a bullfrog in mating season, Solgen Devanadera has the mental acumen of pondscum. In her 20 page report to Congress on the Ampatuan massacre, she alleged that rebellion was being committed by the Ampatuans — conveniently forgetting that rebellion is pardonable by presidential decreed amnesty. Go back to the swamp, fiend!

Ribbit.

4. Korina Sanchez

Married to presidential aspirant Mar Roxas, Korina Sanchez has turned her marriage into a political media circus. Instead of going quietly into that good night, she has become a reminder of Senator Roxas’ insertions, thanks to Nene Pimentel.

Pictured here giving a talk on various locales of insertion.

3. Loren Legarda

The most pervasive thought I have about Loren is that her thighs must be huge from jumping from party to party. Let’s hope that fence stake wedged firmly between her cheeks doesn’t get dislodged any time soon, or we’re in for a shitstorm.

Loren posing as Tzu Hsi, Dragon Empress.

2. Gloria Macapagal – Arroyo

For the past nine years, President Arroyo has run the country with a very small, very tight fist. She’s like a rash that just won’t quit. Although intelligent, she’s not the brightest tool in the shed. After all she broke the eleventh commandment: don’t get caught.

PGMA on Estrada: Dispatch war rocket Ajax to bring back his body!

and the biggest embarrassment of Filipinas everywhere is…

1. Kris Aquino

Aside from having a monthly magazine dedicated solely to herself, a talkshow wherein she talks incessantly about herself, and endorsment deals that focus primarly on herself — Kris might not be such a bad egg, if she didn’t tweeze her eyebrows too much.

* * *

I wanted to include Jamby Madrigal in the list, but she’d have to be female first.

Ja-Ja-Ja-JamBOY!

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Written by slanderinc

January 29, 2010 at 4:28 am

A Political Intermission

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Bernard writes:

Who among you caught the coverage of the Lakas-Kampi CMD announcement of the Teodoro-Manzano tandem yesterday morning? For those who didn’t, here’s a quick recap Slander, Inc. style:

Apart from the cameraman having a blatant crush on Mikey Arroyo, with a closeup of him leaning back in his chair every five seconds, the coverage of the event at the PICC went swimmingly. After a few speeches from insignificant people, the President came up to the podium and started to talk about the consecutive 34 quarters of economic growth and how Lakas-Kampi CMD is the party of the future, etc.  Somehow, the event organizer managed to make her seem as tall as everyone else on stage. We didn’t notice if the podium was extra short — or if she had a standee box or a booster seat. Kudos, event people.

As she regaled her assembled party, who like good little members applauded after EVERY sentence (Cindy says: Ugh. It was a reenactment of the 2008 SONA where a 5 page speech took 3 hours because people kept on clapping. Kumakati yung kamay ng tao dahil sa pagpalakpak, hindi sa pagkaroon ng pera!), I couldn’t help but notice that the 34 quarters she mentioned equates to 8.5 years — exactly the amount of time she’s spent at the helm. Hrmm… shameless plug much?

Moving on — we were watching the event on ANC, the 24 hour news channel of Channel 2. During the not-so interesting bits, the anchors were talking to a political science professor from UP (Tayao, was it?) who insisted on drawing parallelisms between the 2010 Filipino elections and the 2008 US elections. I’m pretty sure that we weren’t the only ones bristling at this poorly veiled attempt at relativistic pluralism (cue bongo beats and bad poetry), so the good folks here at Slander, Inc. consider it our patriotic duty to refute you, Mr. Smarty Pants.

Noynoy Aquino < Barack Obama

Despite the long drawn out debate about Obama’s birth, his family, his education, etc — at least we’re sure he’s human. Noynoy may or may not be one of the creatures that happen to live on Fraggle Rock.

Ever wonder what Noy's "before" picture looked like? So did we.

Mar Roxas > Joe Biden

Although the Liberal Party headquarters are at Isetann building and it is highly unlikely that Mr. Palengke will take the MRT to work like his American counterpart Joe Biden, at least people know who the hell Mar is. Biden was elected and is still in total obscurity. He still takes the train to work and nobody gives a rat’s ass.

 

Yeah, we were stumped too.

 

Gibo Teodoro > John McCain

For the mere fact that Gibo doesn’t have one foot in the grave, this sets him worlds apart from McCain. McCain is so old that when he coughs, dust comes out of his mouth. He’s so old that he knew Mr. Clean when the guy had an afro. He’s so old that when God said, let there be light, Johnny boy flipped the switch. I can go on all day.

Alex says: Dude. Nikki Prieto-Teodoro is so hot. Never mind the congratulatory fist bump — Nikki, where’s my chest bump?

Edu Manzano < Sarah Palin

Two very important reasons.

One. Two.

This is the first time in recent memory that the vice presidential candidates are more interesting than the presidentials. The Lorens, Mars, Jojos, and Edus of the world can rejoice because people finally know that VP is an elected position, not a consolation prize for the presidential race’s first runner up.

On that note, that monotonous man Chiz Escudero has been threatening to run as an independent VP in the coming elections. In a word: meh.

w00t to chizescuderofacts.info!

Written by slanderinc

November 20, 2009 at 3:45 am

Posted in Politics

Welcome to Slander, Inc.

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In this day and age of Twitter, MySpace, and Facebook, people are very free with their opinions, mental states, bowel movements, etc. Pictures of dirty deeds and embarrassing footage are uploaded and sent around within seconds through youtube and flickr. Even supposedly *ahem* legitimate government organizations like NASA in the United States are using the Twits (yeah we know they’re called Tweeters, but that was just too easy) to document the newest space shuttle launch.

It has become infinitely easier to catch someone in compromising situations, which puts the good folks here at Slander, Inc. in a bit of a bind– gone are the days of super sleuthing and cloak-and-dagger meetings. We don’t listen in doorways anymore, or bug people’s offices. Social espionage and dirt-dealings have gone the way of the dodo and the beeper. We’re reduced to trolling people’s status updates and surfing through their pictures. We google people for a living, if you can believe it.

Don’t get us wrong however — the more people are compelled to write about themselves, the dumber they seem to become. The blog is this generation’s therapist couch, and the status update is the new anonymous phone tip, without the strange hooker-sounding names like Deep Throat and Estee Lauder Harder Faster. It is our delightful duty to bring you the foulest of the foul, care of wordpress, the only domain we haven’t grown tired of.

Your Friendly Neighborhood Cynics,

Slander, Inc.

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Slander, Inc. is a non-profit organisation that doesn’t need a disclaimer but wants one anyway. Made up of concerned individuals Alex Slander, Cindy Slander, and their semi-misanthropic relative Bernard, the group seeks to entertain the reading public with notes from the underbelly of a very gruesome animal (whose breed we have yet to decide upon).

Written by slanderinc

November 17, 2009 at 6:25 am

Posted in Slander