Slander, Inc.

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Aaaaaand we’re live, ladies and gentlemen!

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So, the OMB has been put under the microscope by a little birdie at Yahoo’s OMG! blog, as of today! The good folks at Slander, Inc. would like to take all the credit, but we had absolutely nothing to do with this particularly juicy bit of goss hitting the interwebs on such a huge scale.

We’d like to thank the good folks at OMB: Exposed for bringing this issue to light, and the good folks at OMG! for picking it up.

All’s we can say to Ronnie is:

The lady doth protest too much, methinks.

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OMG, OMB!!!

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It’s been a while, slander fans!

It behooves me to inform you that Slander, Inc. as you know it, is no longer… as you know it. Bernard, our semi-misanthropic relative, decided to leave us and live his dream. He is now happily employed as Lady Gaga’s milliner, and admits that it was him who stole the cookie from the cookie jar.

Alex and I were appalled to say the least, but what kept us going was the tens of twenties of all you people who follow what we have to say — as well as what we just found out about the Optical Media Board.

We all knew that something fishy was going on, even as early as the 2010 elections.  The Ricketty old goat was allegedly/purportedly/supposedly selling gun ban exemptions, as over 140 people for 188 firearms (none of whom, we might add, are organic agents of the OMB) were strapped — care of his office. Of course some random attorney bore the brunt of it, and is probably a Notary Public on the dusty street corners of Basilan by now — but that’s another story for another time.

A careful (some might say, nosy) accounting of his tenure as OMB Chairman reveals — surprise surprise — ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! We’ve seen dozens of high profile raids since Ronnie took the helm, yet not a single case has been filed or any pirate arrested in over a year. Looks like the Revolving Door policy of the United States Correctional System has levelled-up at the OMB — instead of releasing a felon for every one admitted, just don’t bother charging anybody at all!

Sure as hell saves on paperwork.

Then again, I don’t know how well I’d sleep at night if I arrested Bloth of the Maelstrom and took his booty away.

Noy Jitat!

Funnily enough, the people that *are* caught red-handed by the Rondelles are small, rather slight creatures. Last year, a huge to-do was made about three Chinese nationals being arrested followed by a raid on a dubious warehouse. To date, nobody knows who these guys are, where they live, or why the boxes of contraband that were seized from them were released from OMB custody the very same day.

Could it be...?

Reports say that warehouses are raided in the mornings, and owners or representatives visit the OMB in the afternoon hauling paper bags. After their meetings, these people leave  — noticeably bag-less. Hats off to RR for keeping mob boss traditions alive!

We've heard -- he's got a VERY Little Caesar, too.

Moreover, we think he’s taking the whole Sheriff of Nottingham gig too far. In a raid on a random bodega, people reported that not only were their contraband items confiscated — but their mobile phones and food from the fridge too. Yes, because downloading food is illegal.

How dya like me NOW, bitch?

A letter of concern regarding the Rapscallion-y ways of the Ricketts Rabble was sent to Noynoy as early as January, yet nothing seems to have been done about it.

I don't need to read, I'm the PRESIDENT! Thug life.

So, using the teenage vernacular — OMG, OMB! Like, your butt is sooooo big. Fix that shit!

Written by slanderinc

October 14, 2011 at 7:18 am

Water, water.. where?

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Hello Possums!

Your friendly neighborhood cynic reporting for duty, after months of meditation, deviation, stratification, and intoxication. And what do I find when I crawl out of the woodwork? A water crisis!

Oh wait, no, my mistake. Noynoy said it isn’t a water crisis. It must be something else, then, because he said so.

For lack of a better term, this administration is just plain goofy. Okay, no sirens and counterflow — but no water either! I’ll take the damn traffic any day!

I kinda miss the floods — at least ‘di nagrereklamo ang mga bumbero.

(Doesn’t it seem rather ironic that the marines are being deployed to distribute water and quell riots? For the sake of delicadeza, I’d refrain from drawing people’s attention to the unfortunate name choice and christen them the TUMBLEWEEDS for the time being, just to keep the Malabon natives at bay)

All this has got me to thinking. I present the seven survival strategies for this not-a-water-crisis crisis!

7. Save water, drink beer!

This slogan may be emblazoned on the shirts of male college freshmen everywhere, but it does preach the gospel of St. Arnoldus, so its totally legit.

In the 11th century, a priest by the name of Arnoldus saved thousands of peasants in Bruges by convincing them to drink beer because the water wasn’t safe. Suffice to say, we honour his saintly acts by continuing to swill this divine libation.

However, its apples to oranges. Our problems trumps Arnoldus’, hands down.

For starters, Cholera < Korina.

The horror... the horror!

6. Cut your hair!

Instead of the lather-rinse-repeat rituals that we’ve all had to learn so that our kindergarten teachers wouldn’t send us home with a note that read, “Handwash. Tumble dry.”, try splash-scrub-repeat!

Shave your head, donate your hair to BP because they’re in a bit of a hairy situation over there in the Mexican Gulf, and be content that you’re doing your part for the Earth! A sprinkling of water on your shiny new chrome dome will be so satisfying at the end of the long, hard, bone-dry day!

Yeah, Boy knows what I'm talking about.

5. Go Vegan!

Perhaps Jamby Madrigal, in a shockingly uncharacteristic display of foresight, is on the right track. Using water in rice, pasta, soup broth, etc. is a waste of this valuable resource — partake of something that will naturally quench your thirst and satisfy your hunger.

If your fingertips start turning green and you get uncontrollable urges to hug people, wear long flowing garments, and sing kumbaya with all your filthy friends in a circle however, then my only advice is to open your mouth when they blast you hippies with the water cannons.

Guy: Far out, man. Water as a Weapon. Girl: You're an idiot. I'm putting on a shirt.

Or, you can always ask Jesli Lapus about his instant noodles. Perhaps for the price he was quoting, the special malunggay and egg formula will make sure that you will never go hungry again.

So much more than just a soup.

4. Stop Shaving!

Every girl knows the discomfort of having to shave her legs on a regular basis, despite Pinays not having the propensity for caveman legs, unlike European and American ladies.

The clammy embrace of the shower curtain, the odd razor nick in awkward places, not to mention the water needed to wash away the stubble — we can do away with all this by simply going au naturel.

EEEEEK!!

Or there’s always waxing. Waxing works, too.

3. Pray for Rain!

We’re a Catholic counry, right? In fact, we’ve been known to pray for rain before. In 1998, when El Nino was scorching the alpombras right off our tired feet, then-Archbishop Jaime Sin issued the “Oratio Imperata ad Petendam Pluviam” which is Latin for “We’re getting desperate here”.

Archbishop Gaudencio Rosales has gone the way of Sin and issued the same order; all masses in the Archdiocese of Manila will be praying for rain starting August 3rd. Lets see if we can’t storm the heavens for a few measley drops of fresh water.

Or we can always learn a rain dance, if that fails.

2. Listen to your grandparents!

As is usually the case when adults (i.e. not us) get hold of a computer, hilarity ensues. A grandfather who wishes to remain anonymous has provided us with the following tips to conserve water:

1. Learn how to use toilet paper; lessen frequency of washing.

2. Don’t pee on the wall; pee on the plants and trees because urine contains urea, which is a natural fertiliser.

3. Cut down internet hours. Volunteer in campaigns that answer the dry spell. The dry spell isn’t on the internet — it’s in real life, so get out of the house.

4. Avoid sex because it’ll dehydrate you; most times, you need to drink water after sex, so avoid activities that make you thirsty.

Err.. thanks Pops. Noted.

He loves his grandpa! Unfortunately, the sentiment doesn't seem to be shared.

and the top survival strategy to get us through this not-a-water-crisis crisis …

1. Siphon water from Charice Pempengco’s brain to fill the dams

I mean, come on. You have to be a blithering idiot to get botox and Thermage at 18, much less agree to have your procedure broadcast on television. We all knew that Oprah dubbed her the “Most Annoying Girl in the World” (note: “annoying” interchangable with “talented”), but I don’t think that comes with a lick of common sense.

And to think, she brought this upon herself. All that gum chewing gave her buff cheeks. If it wasn’t so ridiculous, I’d think the world made up this rumour because it was bored.

Stupid like Google, perhaps. This is what you get if you google glee images. WTF?!

With love,

Cindy Slander

Written by slanderinc

July 23, 2010 at 5:53 am

Posted in Uncategorized

Hell Bent on Lent

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Alex writes:

Lent is a big deal in the Philippines. We all know about the ghastly and disturbing goings-on in Pampanga (not talking about PGMA here) with respect to the crucifixion reenactment, self-flagellation, and God knows what else. Filipinos take lent extremely serious, even if majority of us aren’t stupid devoted enough to physically injure ourselves to show our repentance. Like good little Catholics, a serious amount of thought is put into what we plan on sacrificing for the lenten season. In that vein, I opine that the following presidentials give up the following things:

Manny Villar:

Pork

Go muslim this lenten season!

Come on, buddy. We know what’s going on. Trim the fat! Wouldn’t it be nice to be light enough to be able to float in your own sea of garbage?

Joseph Estrada and Jamby Madrigal:

Fish Tacos

American Pop Culture reference! What's shaped like a taco and smells like fish?

Abstinence makes the heart grow fonder, and this lenten season is the perfect time for Erap and Jamby to prove their love to the Lord by swearing off the munching for at least 40 days and 40 nights.

Bro. Eddie Villanueva:

Kool Aid

Kool-Aid Man -- One of Bro. Eddie's 5 million votes 😦

We all know the horror stories of Jim Jones and the “cyanide in the kool-aid!” incident, but Bro. Eddie is a real Christian: he takes the kool-aid himself, sparing his flock. Whatever lethal cocktail of fruity goodness his recipe entails however, there’s enough hallucinogenic agents to delude him into thinking he can actually win the election. Drugs kill, pare.

Noynoy Aquino:

Condoms

The text on the lower left hand corner of the box is an actual quote from Shalani Soledad.

Catholics are asked to refrain from things that cause themselves and other people to sin, particularly during lent. If Noynoy is hell bent on not pissing off the church (pun not intended) by pandering to the vote by withdrawing support for the RH bill, then he’d do his soul some good by practicing what he preaches and having some non-contraceptive sex — although the thought of Noynoy deep in the throes of passion leaves us somewhat… *shudder* green around the gills.

* * *

More than just giving shit up however, Catholics are entreated to live charitably. We are to emulate the Lord in all that we do, but more so during lent because the guy died for us around this time of year. Usually, people take on good behaviours as part of their lenten sacrifice: I always found this quite amusing, as it seems as if you’re sacrificing your asshole tendencies for the greater glory of God. Hah.

Dick Gordon:

Read the Bible

Dick's favourite quote from the Bible: Deuteronomy 25: 11-12

Junk grabbing aside, the bible is rife with entertaining imagery and gore that our very own Atenean warmonger Dick Gordon would enjoy. Reading the bible isn’t such a sacrifice, especially if it reads like a Frank Miller graphic novel!

Gibo Teodoro:

Visit your Family

Honour thy aunt and uncle, biatch!

Everyone knows how much it sucks to have to visit your relatives (or is that just my family?), but a little charity never hurt nobody. Gibo ought to make peace with Danding and ask him for some … charity. Running a campaign on fumes, pipe dreams, and no moolah takes the spiritual shit out of you.

Last but definitely not least:

What about the country’s biggest little person? Aside from abstaining from the slaughter of little kittens and bunnies, what should the illustrious Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo sacrifice this lenten season?

First Gentleman Mike Arroyo

Lord I give you his heart, I give you his soul.

So possums, let’s not forget to be in the lenten spirit this season. Take whatever God throws at you, put yourself on hold for a little bit, and remember to gargle. Happy fasting!

This was too good *not* to use.

Written by slanderinc

February 18, 2010 at 5:41 am

Posted in Uncategorized

Manila, the Musical Defibrulator

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Alex writes:

We’re taking a small break just to explore a philosophical query of mine.

Perhaps it’s just me, but doesn’t anyone find it odd that musical acts who come to the Philippines are greeted with such aplomb that they don’t feel over the hill anymore?

Take for example the slew of bands that have come over in the last five years: The Cascades, The Zombies, Hanson, Ruben Studdard, Taylor Hicks, Linkin Park, that other Jewish American Idol contestant, Ne-yo… what do all of these musicians have in common?

At the heart of it all: they suck.

Get off the fucking stage!

Okay, I can hear the dissenters: wait, what about Nine Inch Nails, Incubus, Beyonce, Christina Aguilera, Marilyn Manson, or Michael Jackson? Millions of fans among the lot of them, with passable to good songwriting skills, and great pulling power. The Philippines is a perfect place for musicians because we appreciate talent and artistry — and we buy expensive tickets, party our faces off, and take too many pictures!

I have no witty retort to that — but we’re not talking about the good musicians who come over once in a blue moon; we’re talking about bands who come to the Philippines to die — and be reborn! Tsk. Pay attention, dissenters!

For a while there, RJ 100.3 fans were all in a tizzy as the popular teeny bopper bands of the fifties and sixties were coming over in droves to tell Michael how to row his boat ashore, alleluia, or how much everyone loves a clown. The baby boomers showed up en masse to concerts only to see a saggier, fatter, deafer version of the acts they grew up with. As can be expected, the boomers weren’t too pleased.

Don't make me come up there!

There was even a rumour about actual reincarnation: Apparantly, the Cascades allegedly died on their last flight out of Manila in 2006. Peoiple thought nothing of it, until the group came back the next year to regale tens of twenties of faithful Filipino fans. Woop.

So what does this tell us?

I humbly submit that the Philippines is a miraculous land for musicians; not only can every bloody Filipino sing the pants off a nightingale, but we’re so forgiving of talentless white folk that we’ll actually pay good money to see you risk having a heart attack on stage!

Yeah! Alriiiiight! Encore!

Unless you’re Hanson, Linkin Park, or Ne-Yo. The reason people watch you is because Crystal Meth makes everything shitty into an imaginarium. Do we still wonder why shabu is so popular? Methinks not.

This is what church looks like on meth.

Written by slanderinc

February 15, 2010 at 5:34 am

Posted in Uncategorized

Where in the world is Ping Lacson?

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To say that the entire nation is enthralled with this worldwide search for an alleged murderer would be a gross overstatement. About four people are concerned with Ping Lacson’s location, mainly because he owes them money.

For the sake of argument, what are the best places in the world for a person to hide from incarceration? Everyone automatically thinks “Duh, the Philippines!” but since that’s inapplicable for this particular case — I give you P-INGO: Global Manhunt!

Caracas, Venezuela 

Best known for being the birthplace of Hugo Chavez’s squinty look, Caracas is the home of such illustrious sights as… well, going incognito doesn’t allot much time for sight-seeing anyway. As an aside: if you wikipedia the city and look for notable citizens, I guaran-fucking-tee you that you will not recognise a single name unless you have an unhealthy fixation for Venezuelan politics and obscure latin american painters.

Why bother with the security detail when nobody knows you anyway?

 

Ascuncion, Paraguay 

Being the cheapest city in the world, Ping won’t have to worry about the exchange rate biting him in the ass in Ascuncion. One philippine peso is the equivalent of 100 guaranis. If I were him, I’d close up shop in Manila and make myself into the Paraguayan version of Jaime Zobel de Ayala, with delicate Asian features.

Hint: in place for a JFK-style assassination!

Nuuk, Greenland 

If, like myself, you were unaware that people actually lived on Greenland, then I’m sure Ping’ll sufficiently baffle authorities by hiding out here. I had to google “greenland capital” to find out that it’s an obscure city named Nuuk with a giant mailbox as its post office. Getting there would be no problem, Ping could mail himself there from anywhere in the world. Careful boys, this end up!

Playing peek-a-boo with Postman Rasmussen! Because Postman Pat will have fuck-all to do with Greenland.

 

Li Jiang, China 

One of the smallest cities of China, Li Jiang is a prefecture-level city in northwestern Yunnan Province. It has an area of 21,219 square kilometres and a population of 1,137,600 as of 2005. That means that there are 53 people per square kilometre — which is a veritable ghost town by Chinese standards. Forget that the entire population of Australia is 22 million people — 1.13 million Chinese people is just a drop in the bucket. It doesn’t hurt that Ping can blend in really well.

You don't, you don't, you don't SEE ME!

La Spezia, Italy 
Long known to be the head of the “ratline” that transported Nazis to Latin America, La Spezia has all the picturesque charm of any coastal mediterranean city. Order a pilsner in La Trattoria Reich, burrow your toes in the sand of Uomo Bianci Spiaggia, or frogmarch the night away at popular spot Razzista Discoteca. Ja wohl, bella!

Liederhosen optional.

Burning question: if he gets caught in one of these places and brought back to the Philippines, do I get a reward for suggesting that the government look there?

Bernard Slander

Written by slanderinc

February 8, 2010 at 5:05 am

Posted in Uncategorized

Free Your Mind

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In recent news, there has been a great hullabaloo about the Freedom of Information Act due to be passed in Congress this week. According to Leila Salavierra of the Philippine Daily Inquirer, “Under the proposed law, the country’s next President and all other government officials would have their hands tied should they try to keep government records and their own statements of assets, liabilities and net worth (SALN) under wraps, especially when the public interest demands it.”

Truth be told, knowing what the State does when ANC isn’t filming just freaks the shit out of me.

For example, I like to assume that the deliberations on the annual budget take place in a civilised manner, with supposedly qualified officials going through a long and exhaustive list of worthy economic endeavours. It would really suck if that’s not true.

Also, I don’t want to know how much my salary sucks in comparison with politicians that I don’t even like.

Imagine, nakaligo siya sa dagat ng basura!

I’m not exactly frothing at the mouth to see the same money I spent on my college tuition being used for gratuity gifts, either.

Note to self: buy off the kids first.

On that note, why stop there? Make each government building into a giant fishbowl so we can see exactly what they’re doing at any hour of the day! Big Brother, in this instance, is not the state but those bored enough to watch civil servants read Abante! from cover to cover.

So what really happens behind closed doors?

House of Representatives

Department of Public Works and Health

PAGASA

Written by slanderinc

February 1, 2010 at 4:54 am

Posted in Uncategorized