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Archive for July 2010

Water, water.. where?

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Hello Possums!

Your friendly neighborhood cynic reporting for duty, after months of meditation, deviation, stratification, and intoxication. And what do I find when I crawl out of the woodwork? A water crisis!

Oh wait, no, my mistake. Noynoy said it isn’t a water crisis. It must be something else, then, because he said so.

For lack of a better term, this administration is just plain goofy. Okay, no sirens and counterflow — but no water either! I’ll take the damn traffic any day!

I kinda miss the floods — at least ‘di nagrereklamo ang mga bumbero.

(Doesn’t it seem rather ironic that the marines are being deployed to distribute water and quell riots? For the sake of delicadeza, I’d refrain from drawing people’s attention to the unfortunate name choice and christen them the TUMBLEWEEDS for the time being, just to keep the Malabon natives at bay)

All this has got me to thinking. I present the seven survival strategies for this not-a-water-crisis crisis!

7. Save water, drink beer!

This slogan may be emblazoned on the shirts of male college freshmen everywhere, but it does preach the gospel of St. Arnoldus, so its totally legit.

In the 11th century, a priest by the name of Arnoldus saved thousands of peasants in Bruges by convincing them to drink beer because the water wasn’t safe. Suffice to say, we honour his saintly acts by continuing to swill this divine libation.

However, its apples to oranges. Our problems trumps Arnoldus’, hands down.

For starters, Cholera < Korina.

The horror... the horror!

6. Cut your hair!

Instead of the lather-rinse-repeat rituals that we’ve all had to learn so that our kindergarten teachers wouldn’t send us home with a note that read, “Handwash. Tumble dry.”, try splash-scrub-repeat!

Shave your head, donate your hair to BP because they’re in a bit of a hairy situation over there in the Mexican Gulf, and be content that you’re doing your part for the Earth! A sprinkling of water on your shiny new chrome dome will be so satisfying at the end of the long, hard, bone-dry day!

Yeah, Boy knows what I'm talking about.

5. Go Vegan!

Perhaps Jamby Madrigal, in a shockingly uncharacteristic display of foresight, is on the right track. Using water in rice, pasta, soup broth, etc. is a waste of this valuable resource — partake of something that will naturally quench your thirst and satisfy your hunger.

If your fingertips start turning green and you get uncontrollable urges to hug people, wear long flowing garments, and sing kumbaya with all your filthy friends in a circle however, then my only advice is to open your mouth when they blast you hippies with the water cannons.

Guy: Far out, man. Water as a Weapon. Girl: You're an idiot. I'm putting on a shirt.

Or, you can always ask Jesli Lapus about his instant noodles. Perhaps for the price he was quoting, the special malunggay and egg formula will make sure that you will never go hungry again.

So much more than just a soup.

4. Stop Shaving!

Every girl knows the discomfort of having to shave her legs on a regular basis, despite Pinays not having the propensity for caveman legs, unlike European and American ladies.

The clammy embrace of the shower curtain, the odd razor nick in awkward places, not to mention the water needed to wash away the stubble — we can do away with all this by simply going au naturel.

EEEEEK!!

Or there’s always waxing. Waxing works, too.

3. Pray for Rain!

We’re a Catholic counry, right? In fact, we’ve been known to pray for rain before. In 1998, when El Nino was scorching the alpombras right off our tired feet, then-Archbishop Jaime Sin issued the “Oratio Imperata ad Petendam Pluviam” which is Latin for “We’re getting desperate here”.

Archbishop Gaudencio Rosales has gone the way of Sin and issued the same order; all masses in the Archdiocese of Manila will be praying for rain starting August 3rd. Lets see if we can’t storm the heavens for a few measley drops of fresh water.

Or we can always learn a rain dance, if that fails.

2. Listen to your grandparents!

As is usually the case when adults (i.e. not us) get hold of a computer, hilarity ensues. A grandfather who wishes to remain anonymous has provided us with the following tips to conserve water:

1. Learn how to use toilet paper; lessen frequency of washing.

2. Don’t pee on the wall; pee on the plants and trees because urine contains urea, which is a natural fertiliser.

3. Cut down internet hours. Volunteer in campaigns that answer the dry spell. The dry spell isn’t on the internet — it’s in real life, so get out of the house.

4. Avoid sex because it’ll dehydrate you; most times, you need to drink water after sex, so avoid activities that make you thirsty.

Err.. thanks Pops. Noted.

He loves his grandpa! Unfortunately, the sentiment doesn't seem to be shared.

and the top survival strategy to get us through this not-a-water-crisis crisis …

1. Siphon water from Charice Pempengco’s brain to fill the dams

I mean, come on. You have to be a blithering idiot to get botox and Thermage at 18, much less agree to have your procedure broadcast on television. We all knew that Oprah dubbed her the “Most Annoying Girl in the World” (note: “annoying” interchangable with “talented”), but I don’t think that comes with a lick of common sense.

And to think, she brought this upon herself. All that gum chewing gave her buff cheeks. If it wasn’t so ridiculous, I’d think the world made up this rumour because it was bored.

Stupid like Google, perhaps. This is what you get if you google glee images. WTF?!

With love,

Cindy Slander

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Written by slanderinc

July 23, 2010 at 5:53 am

Posted in Uncategorized