Slander, Inc.

Don't strain yourself.

Hell Bent on Lent

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Alex writes:

Lent is a big deal in the Philippines. We all know about the ghastly and disturbing goings-on in Pampanga (not talking about PGMA here) with respect to the crucifixion reenactment, self-flagellation, and God knows what else. Filipinos take lent extremely serious, even if majority of us aren’t stupid devoted enough to physically injure ourselves to show our repentance. Like good little Catholics, a serious amount of thought is put into what we plan on sacrificing for the lenten season. In that vein, I opine that the following presidentials give up the following things:

Manny Villar:

Pork

Go muslim this lenten season!

Come on, buddy. We know what’s going on. Trim the fat! Wouldn’t it be nice to be light enough to be able to float in your own sea of garbage?

Joseph Estrada and Jamby Madrigal:

Fish Tacos

American Pop Culture reference! What's shaped like a taco and smells like fish?

Abstinence makes the heart grow fonder, and this lenten season is the perfect time for Erap and Jamby to prove their love to the Lord by swearing off the munching for at least 40 days and 40 nights.

Bro. Eddie Villanueva:

Kool Aid

Kool-Aid Man -- One of Bro. Eddie's 5 million votes 😦

We all know the horror stories of Jim Jones and the “cyanide in the kool-aid!” incident, but Bro. Eddie is a real Christian: he takes the kool-aid himself, sparing his flock. Whatever lethal cocktail of fruity goodness his recipe entails however, there’s enough hallucinogenic agents to delude him into thinking he can actually win the election. Drugs kill, pare.

Noynoy Aquino:

Condoms

The text on the lower left hand corner of the box is an actual quote from Shalani Soledad.

Catholics are asked to refrain from things that cause themselves and other people to sin, particularly during lent. If Noynoy is hell bent on not pissing off the church (pun not intended) by pandering to the vote by withdrawing support for the RH bill, then he’d do his soul some good by practicing what he preaches and having some non-contraceptive sex — although the thought of Noynoy deep in the throes of passion leaves us somewhat… *shudder* green around the gills.

* * *

More than just giving shit up however, Catholics are entreated to live charitably. We are to emulate the Lord in all that we do, but more so during lent because the guy died for us around this time of year. Usually, people take on good behaviours as part of their lenten sacrifice: I always found this quite amusing, as it seems as if you’re sacrificing your asshole tendencies for the greater glory of God. Hah.

Dick Gordon:

Read the Bible

Dick's favourite quote from the Bible: Deuteronomy 25: 11-12

Junk grabbing aside, the bible is rife with entertaining imagery and gore that our very own Atenean warmonger Dick Gordon would enjoy. Reading the bible isn’t such a sacrifice, especially if it reads like a Frank Miller graphic novel!

Gibo Teodoro:

Visit your Family

Honour thy aunt and uncle, biatch!

Everyone knows how much it sucks to have to visit your relatives (or is that just my family?), but a little charity never hurt nobody. Gibo ought to make peace with Danding and ask him for some … charity. Running a campaign on fumes, pipe dreams, and no moolah takes the spiritual shit out of you.

Last but definitely not least:

What about the country’s biggest little person? Aside from abstaining from the slaughter of little kittens and bunnies, what should the illustrious Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo sacrifice this lenten season?

First Gentleman Mike Arroyo

Lord I give you his heart, I give you his soul.

So possums, let’s not forget to be in the lenten spirit this season. Take whatever God throws at you, put yourself on hold for a little bit, and remember to gargle. Happy fasting!

This was too good *not* to use.

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Written by slanderinc

February 18, 2010 at 5:41 am

Posted in Uncategorized

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