Slander, Inc.

Don't strain yourself.

Where in the world is Ping Lacson?

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To say that the entire nation is enthralled with this worldwide search for an alleged murderer would be a gross overstatement. About four people are concerned with Ping Lacson’s location, mainly because he owes them money.

For the sake of argument, what are the best places in the world for a person to hide from incarceration? Everyone automatically thinks “Duh, the Philippines!” but since that’s inapplicable for this particular case — I give you P-INGO: Global Manhunt!

Caracas, Venezuela 

Best known for being the birthplace of Hugo Chavez’s squinty look, Caracas is the home of such illustrious sights as… well, going incognito doesn’t allot much time for sight-seeing anyway. As an aside: if you wikipedia the city and look for notable citizens, I guaran-fucking-tee you that you will not recognise a single name unless you have an unhealthy fixation for Venezuelan politics and obscure latin american painters.

Why bother with the security detail when nobody knows you anyway?


Ascuncion, Paraguay 

Being the cheapest city in the world, Ping won’t have to worry about the exchange rate biting him in the ass in Ascuncion. One philippine peso is the equivalent of 100 guaranis. If I were him, I’d close up shop in Manila and make myself into the Paraguayan version of Jaime Zobel de Ayala, with delicate Asian features.

Hint: in place for a JFK-style assassination!

Nuuk, Greenland 

If, like myself, you were unaware that people actually lived on Greenland, then I’m sure Ping’ll sufficiently baffle authorities by hiding out here. I had to google “greenland capital” to find out that it’s an obscure city named Nuuk with a giant mailbox as its post office. Getting there would be no problem, Ping could mail himself there from anywhere in the world. Careful boys, this end up!

Playing peek-a-boo with Postman Rasmussen! Because Postman Pat will have fuck-all to do with Greenland.


Li Jiang, China 

One of the smallest cities of China, Li Jiang is a prefecture-level city in northwestern Yunnan Province. It has an area of 21,219 square kilometres and a population of 1,137,600 as of 2005. That means that there are 53 people per square kilometre — which is a veritable ghost town by Chinese standards. Forget that the entire population of Australia is 22 million people — 1.13 million Chinese people is just a drop in the bucket. It doesn’t hurt that Ping can blend in really well.

You don't, you don't, you don't SEE ME!

La Spezia, Italy 
Long known to be the head of the “ratline” that transported Nazis to Latin America, La Spezia has all the picturesque charm of any coastal mediterranean city. Order a pilsner in La Trattoria Reich, burrow your toes in the sand of Uomo Bianci Spiaggia, or frogmarch the night away at popular spot Razzista Discoteca. Ja wohl, bella!

Liederhosen optional.

Burning question: if he gets caught in one of these places and brought back to the Philippines, do I get a reward for suggesting that the government look there?

Bernard Slander


Written by slanderinc

February 8, 2010 at 5:05 am

Posted in Uncategorized

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