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Don't strain yourself.

Archive for February 2010

Hell Bent on Lent

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Alex writes:

Lent is a big deal in the Philippines. We all know about the ghastly and disturbing goings-on in Pampanga (not talking about PGMA here) with respect to the crucifixion reenactment, self-flagellation, and God knows what else. Filipinos take lent extremely serious, even if majority of us aren’t stupid¬†devoted enough to physically injure ourselves to show our repentance. Like good little Catholics, a serious amount of thought is put into what we plan on sacrificing for the lenten season. In that vein, I opine that the following presidentials give up the following things:

Manny Villar:

Pork

Go muslim this lenten season!

Come on, buddy. We know what’s going on. Trim the fat! Wouldn’t it be nice to be light enough to be able to float in your own sea of garbage?

Joseph Estrada and Jamby Madrigal:

Fish Tacos

American Pop Culture reference! What's shaped like a taco and smells like fish?

Abstinence makes the heart grow fonder, and this lenten season is the perfect time for Erap and Jamby to prove their love to the Lord by swearing off the munching for at least 40 days and 40 nights.

Bro. Eddie Villanueva:

Kool Aid

Kool-Aid Man -- One of Bro. Eddie's 5 million votes ūüė¶

We all know the horror stories of Jim Jones and the “cyanide in the kool-aid!” incident, but Bro. Eddie is a real Christian: he takes the kool-aid himself, sparing his flock. Whatever lethal cocktail of fruity goodness his recipe entails however, there’s enough hallucinogenic agents to delude him into thinking he can actually win the election. Drugs kill,¬†pare.

Noynoy Aquino:

Condoms

The text on the lower left hand corner of the box is an actual quote from Shalani Soledad.

Catholics are asked to refrain from things that cause themselves and other people to sin, particularly during lent. If Noynoy is hell bent on not pissing off the church (pun not intended) by pandering to the vote by withdrawing support for the RH bill, then he’d do his soul some good by practicing what he preaches and having some non-contraceptive sex — although the thought of Noynoy deep in the throes of passion leaves us somewhat… *shudder* green around the gills.

* * *

More than just giving shit up however, Catholics are entreated to live charitably. We are to emulate the Lord in all that we do, but more so during lent because the guy died for us around this time of year. Usually, people take on good behaviours as part of their lenten sacrifice: I always found this quite amusing, as it seems as if you’re sacrificing your asshole tendencies for the greater glory of God. Hah.

Dick Gordon:

Read the Bible

Dick's favourite quote from the Bible: Deuteronomy 25: 11-12

Junk grabbing aside, the bible is rife with entertaining imagery and gore that our very own Atenean warmonger Dick Gordon would enjoy. Reading the bible isn’t such a sacrifice, especially if it reads like a Frank Miller graphic novel!

Gibo Teodoro:

Visit your Family

Honour thy aunt and uncle, biatch!

Everyone knows how much it sucks to have to visit your relatives (or is that just my family?), but a little charity never hurt nobody. Gibo ought to make peace with Danding and ask him for some … charity. Running a campaign on fumes, pipe dreams, and no moolah takes the spiritual shit out of you.

Last but definitely not least:

What about the country’s biggest little person? Aside from abstaining from the slaughter of little kittens and bunnies, what should the illustrious Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo sacrifice this lenten season?

First Gentleman Mike Arroyo

Lord I give you his heart, I give you his soul.

So possums, let’s not forget to be in the lenten spirit this season. Take whatever God throws at you, put yourself on hold for a little bit, and remember to gargle. Happy fasting!

This was too good *not* to use.

Written by slanderinc

February 18, 2010 at 5:41 am

Posted in Uncategorized

Manila, the Musical Defibrulator

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Alex writes:

We’re taking a small break just to explore a philosophical query of mine.

Perhaps it’s just me, but doesn’t anyone find it odd that musical acts who come to the Philippines are greeted with such aplomb that they don’t feel over the hill anymore?

Take for example the slew of bands that have come over in the last five years: The Cascades, The Zombies, Hanson, Ruben Studdard, Taylor Hicks, Linkin Park, that other Jewish American Idol contestant, Ne-yo… what do all of these musicians have in common?

At the heart of it all: they suck.

Get off the fucking stage!

Okay, I can hear the dissenters: wait, what about Nine Inch Nails, Incubus, Beyonce, Christina Aguilera, Marilyn Manson, or Michael Jackson? Millions of fans among the lot of them, with passable to good songwriting skills, and great pulling power. The Philippines is a perfect place for musicians because we appreciate talent and artistry — and we buy expensive tickets, party our faces off, and take too many pictures!

I have no witty retort to that — but we’re not talking about the good musicians who come over once in a blue moon; we’re talking about bands who come to the Philippines to die — and be reborn! Tsk. Pay attention, dissenters!

For a while there, RJ 100.3 fans were all in a tizzy as the popular teeny bopper bands of the fifties and sixties were coming over in droves to tell Michael how to¬†row his boat ashore, alleluia,¬†or how much¬†everyone loves a clown. The baby boomers showed up¬†en masse¬†to concerts only to see a saggier, fatter, deafer version of the acts they grew up with. As can be expected, the boomers weren’t too pleased.

Don't make me come up there!

There was even a rumour about actual reincarnation: Apparantly, the Cascades allegedly died on their last flight out of Manila in 2006. Peoiple thought nothing of it, until the group came back the next year to regale tens of twenties of faithful Filipino fans. Woop.

So what does this tell us?

I humbly submit that the Philippines is a miraculous land for musicians; not only can every bloody Filipino sing the pants off a nightingale, but we’re so forgiving of talentless white folk that we’ll actually pay good money to see you risk having a heart attack on stage!

Yeah! Alriiiiight! Encore!

Unless you’re Hanson, Linkin Park, or Ne-Yo. The reason people watch you is because Crystal Meth makes everything shitty into an imaginarium. Do we still wonder why shabu is so popular? Methinks not.

This is what church looks like on meth.

Written by slanderinc

February 15, 2010 at 5:34 am

Posted in Uncategorized

Where in the world is Ping Lacson?

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To say that the entire nation is enthralled with this worldwide search for an alleged murderer would be a gross overstatement. About four people are concerned with Ping Lacson’s location, mainly because he owes them money.

For the sake of argument, what are the best places in the world for a person to hide from incarceration? Everyone automatically thinks “Duh, the Philippines!” but since that’s inapplicable for this particular case — I give you P-INGO: Global Manhunt!

Caracas, Venezuela 

Best known for being the birthplace of Hugo Chavez’s squinty look, Caracas is the home of such illustrious sights as… well, going incognito doesn’t allot much time for sight-seeing anyway. As an aside: if you wikipedia the city and look for notable citizens, I guaran-fucking-tee you that you will not recognise a single name unless you have an unhealthy fixation for Venezuelan politics and obscure latin american painters.

Why bother with the security detail when nobody knows you anyway?

 

Ascuncion, Paraguay 

Being the cheapest city in the world, Ping won’t have to worry about the exchange rate biting him in the ass in Ascuncion. One philippine peso is the equivalent of 100 guaranis. If I were him, I’d close up shop in Manila and make myself into the Paraguayan version of Jaime Zobel de Ayala, with delicate Asian features.

Hint: in place for a JFK-style assassination!

Nuuk, Greenland 

If, like myself, you were unaware that people actually lived on Greenland, then I’m sure Ping’ll sufficiently baffle authorities by hiding out here. I had to google “greenland capital” to find out that it’s an obscure city named Nuuk with a giant mailbox as its post office. Getting there would be no problem, Ping could mail himself there from anywhere in the world. Careful boys, this end up!

Playing peek-a-boo with Postman Rasmussen! Because Postman Pat will have fuck-all to do with Greenland.

 

Li Jiang, China 

One of the smallest cities of China, Li Jiang is a prefecture-level city in northwestern Yunnan Province. It has an area of 21,219 square kilometres and a population of 1,137,600 as of 2005. That means that there are 53 people per square kilometre — which is a veritable ghost town by Chinese standards. Forget that the entire population of Australia is 22 million people — 1.13 million Chinese people is just a drop in the bucket. It doesn’t hurt that Ping can blend in really well.

You don't, you don't, you don't SEE ME!

La Spezia, Italy 
Long known to be the head of the “ratline” that transported Nazis to Latin America, La Spezia has all the picturesque charm of any coastal mediterranean city. Order a pilsner in La Trattoria Reich, burrow your toes in the sand of Uomo Bianci Spiaggia, or frogmarch the night away at popular spot Razzista Discoteca. Ja wohl, bella!

Liederhosen optional.

Burning question: if he gets caught in one of these places and brought back to the Philippines, do I get a reward for suggesting that the government look there?

Bernard Slander

Written by slanderinc

February 8, 2010 at 5:05 am

Posted in Uncategorized

Free Your Mind

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In recent news, there has been a great hullabaloo about the Freedom of Information Act due to be passed in Congress this week. According to Leila Salavierra of the Philippine Daily Inquirer,¬†“Under the proposed law, the country‚Äôs next President and all other government officials would have their hands tied should they try to keep government records and their own statements of assets, liabilities and net worth (SALN) under wraps, especially when the public interest demands it.”

Truth be told, knowing what the State does when ANC isn’t filming just freaks the shit out of me.

For example, I like to assume that the deliberations on the annual budget take place in a civilised manner, with supposedly qualified officials going through a long and exhaustive list of worthy economic endeavours. It would really suck if that’s not true.

Also, I don’t want to know how much my salary sucks in comparison with politicians that I don’t even like.

Imagine, nakaligo siya sa dagat ng basura!

I’m not exactly frothing at the mouth to see the same money I spent on my college tuition being used for gratuity gifts, either.

Note to self: buy off the kids first.

On that note, why stop there? Make each government building into a giant fishbowl so we can see exactly what they’re doing at any hour of the day! Big Brother, in this instance, is not the state but those bored enough to watch civil servants read Abante! from cover to cover.

So what really happens behind closed doors?

House of Representatives

Department of Public Works and Health

PAGASA

Written by slanderinc

February 1, 2010 at 4:54 am

Posted in Uncategorized